Worst Episode Ever: ’80s Cartoon Turbo Teen’s “Video Venger”

Even among the many choose group of 40-something nerds who cherish even the terrible content material of our youths, there will not be many who bear in mind the short-lived cartoon Turbo Teen. This is an effective factor. Its premise was lazy at finest—a teen named Bret who can remodel right into a sports activities automobile—and executed horrifically, as Bret’s physique shatters and stretches right into a nightmare that finally turns into a automobile. It appears like some Hellraiser Cenobite torture experiment. But hey, see for your self:

I’ve had Turbo Teen on my listing of reveals to offer the “Worst Episode Ever” remedy for years, assuming, like most of my different entries, I may analysis which episode was the worst with out watching a number of episodes. However, as I stated, Turbo Teen has been nearly totally forgotten. So I subjected myself to hours of this horrible, horrible cartoon for this text, and I can say with some authority that every one 13 episodes of Turbo Teen are tied for Worst. They suck. They’re all dumb as rocks, insultingly written, lazily animated, and made by individuals who didn’t even fake to care. All that stated, “Video Venger” was the episode that made me the angriest, so right here we’re.

First, some fundamentals. The guidelines of Bret’s transformation are that he turns right into a automobile when he’s scorching and turns again right into a human when he’s chilly. Turbo Teen ignores these guidelines ceaselessly. He has a girlfriend named Pattie and a buddy/mechanic named Alex, and typically they’re chased by a mysterious “Dark Rider” who drives a monster truck that the kids continuously let sneak up on them as a result of they’re idiots.

Dark Rider doesn’t present up in “Video Venger,” which is nice for Bret as a result of he and his buddies are going through a good larger group of idiots led by a Major who’s trying the stupidest coup of the United States possible. For starters, he had his males create the arcade recreation Video Venger to make use of the autos to design actual autos and I already need to cease as a result of that is unfathomable. The Major made an arcade recreation, which required somebody to design the autos within the recreation, shipped that recreation to an precise arcade for some motive, and then used the sport to function the inspiration for his conflict machines. Everything in regards to the recreation was wholly pointless, and what’s worse is that this can be a online game from 1982 so the “designs” are made up of like 30 monochrome pixels.

Bret, Pattie, and Alex are enjoying Video Venger on the arcade when some child someway unintentionally manages to throw a slice of pizza on Bret’s head, making him “hot.” Now, in lots of the episodes of Turbo Teen, it’s crucial that nobody discover out about his darkish secret. In this episode, he turns right into a sports activities automobile in an arcade full of individuals and has Alex plug considered one of his wires into the sport to play it. (This wire is clearly an auxiliary wire and will do no such factor.) But as a substitute of enjoying the sport, Bret manages to regulate one of many Major’s actual autos—a tank with a large drill on it—and crash it into the arcade. That looks like a fairly main bug, particularly because the Major “supposedly” needs to maintain his coup secret till he’s able to assault.

I say “supposedly” as a result of he sends much more drill tanks to chase Bret as he drives off in automobile type together with his buddies. Now I would like to interrupt down a scene that completely encapsulates every little thing that sucks about Turbo Teen:

• Brett, being chased by three drill tanks, drives onto an elevated, unfinished freeway, to Pattie’s concern. The three tanks comply with them.
• The freeway splits into three roads. Brett goes straight. One tank goes straight. The different two take the aspect paths and are by no means seen once more.
• Bret spots two drill tanks driving in the direction of him from the wrong way despite the fact that this has been clearly said to be an unfinished freeway. Bret merely does a aspect wheelie and drives in between them, as a result of he can do this. The two tanks crash into the solitary tank chasing the automobile.
• Bret drives off the sting of the unfinished freeway that the 2 tanks couldn’t probably have come from and is completely tremendous as a result of Turbo Teen has rockets and has all the time had rockets and Pattie by no means wanted to be apprehensive and likewise Bret may have actually flown away from all of this at any level.

Afterward, the Major receives a fax revealing that Bret is the proprietor of the automobile and likewise gives the deal with of the resort he’s at the moment staying at, which isn’t a factor. He then declares the automobile is the solely impediment that may cease him from taking on the United States, which is patently unfaithful, and sends his troops to the resort to destroy the automobile and additional expose his plan.

At the resort, Bret has spilled a cup of espresso on himself, was a automobile, and pushed onto the resort room’s balcony so his dad and mom gained’t discover out about his secret, which appears like this:

This, unsurprisingly, permits the Major’s troops to identify him however after driving by the resort and utilizing the elevators in automobile type, Bret is ready to wreck the troopers’ three jeeps. As the Major’s males run off, Pattie discovers a clue—the license plate on the jeep has a body promoting Smilin’ Sam’s Used Cars, as a result of that may be a place the place the U.S. authorities sells its navy autos when it not has a use for them.

To Bret’s chagrin, Pattie and Alex promote him to Sam as a completely pointless ploy to snoop across the used automobile lot. Sure sufficient, Sam is in league with the Major for some godforsaken motive, info that doesn’t find yourself benefitting the trio all. Instead, the Major sends a Chomper, a automobile with a big face designed to crush issues but in addition designed in such a approach that issues would actually must be positioned contained in the jaw to be crushed.

Alex and Pattie are fearful, even supposing Bret can fly away in any course at any time. Instead, he drives onto a crane that drops a sequence of metal beams on the Chomper, solely two of which land on it. Sifting by the wreckage, Alex finds a remote-control machine he thinks he can use to search out the Major’s operation and locations it in Bret’s glove compartment, which someway provides the Major the flexibility to regulate Bret, which isn’t how something works.

Here’s the Major’s crafty plan to destroy Turbo Teen: have him drive right into a mound of poisonous waste barrels on the Major’s personal navy base. Why does he have barrels filled with poisonous waste barrels? Might spilling a considerable amount of poisonous waste in his heart of operations be an issue? Don’t you are concerned, as a result of as a substitute of crashing, Pattie pulls down a water tower with a grappling hook, spilling the water on Bret, reverting him to a human earlier than impression. This occurs in full view of the Major’s troopers who do nothing and say nothing to their commander about it, whereas the Major by no means bothers to verify if his plan succeeded. Also, a youngster pulled down a water tower with a rope and her naked fingers.

Bret, Pattie, and Alex disguise themselves in navy uniforms, which makes them seem like youngsters in navy uniforms and never troopers, and sneak into the bottom’s management room. There, tech whiz Alex presses a single button he thinks will someway cease the Major’s complete operation. Instead, it drops a web on them as a result of the Major had positioned a web in his command heart in that actual location for causes, these causes being nobody making this cartoon gave a shit. The teenagers are despatched by right into a jail cell whose bars are so extensive a guard walks by them.

I’m so indignant.

With the kids out of the way in which, the Major launches his crafty plan to take over the United States, which consists of utilizing his three tanks with freeze rays to ice over the White House, after which… nothing. There will likely be ice on the White House. No one inside will likely be harmed. Lines of communication won’t be lower. No vacuum of energy will likely be created. The president will nonetheless have the ability to contact the huge forces of the U.S. navy and direct them to cease the person who thinks he can set up himself as dictator with three freeze ray tanks and a jeep. In retrospect, maybe wrecking all of his drill tanks and Chomper in an try and destroy a sports activities automobile as a substitute of becoming a member of his assault was a poor tactical determination.

Honestly, making the White Cold isn’t even the Major’s favourite a part of the plan. Instead, it’s freezing the Potomac River so his mighty forces can drive over it versus utilizing the numerous bridges that span it. When Turbo Teen and his buddies inevitably escape from the cell and provides chase, he’s confronted with the dilemma of tips on how to cross the frozen river with out changing into chilly. Bret’s answer is to fly into the air and land on a forklift carrying picket crates that seems out of actually nowhere in such a style that picket slats magically glue themselves to the underside of his tires in such a approach that he can nonetheless spin his wheels and drive with out them shifting, ignoring all legal guidelines of physics and customary sense and decency.

Bret jets round one of many freeze tanks whereas it’s on the river, inflicting the ice to soften round it, sinking it. The two remaining tanks give chase, cornering the automobile contained in the Lincoln Memorial. Here, the true nightmare begins.

Inside the monument, the freeze tank makes a patch of ice on the bottom, which Turbo Teen drives over however inexplicably doesn’t flip him again right into a human. Instead, he slides to the sting of the memorial the place his entrance finish hangs off the sting. Helpfully turning round in-between photographs whereas someway remaining caught, the automobile is blasted by a freeze ray. And, even supposing a slice of pizza touchdown on his head and spilling some scorching chocolate on his shirt turned him wholly right into a automobile, this time the chilly solely turns his prime half human, creating this abomination:

Think about this crime in opposition to god and man. Think about his flesh, stretching grotesquely out to the width of a automobile. Think in regards to the intestines being widened into inhuman proportions to type the automobile’s inside. And then, take into consideration how Bret has to crawl out of the Lincoln Memorial together with his goddamn fingers, dragging his steel, 1,000-lb ass and the ache it should trigger him. In his exertion, he sweats sufficient to show right into a full automobile once more, despite the fact that I watched an episode the place he was hanging out in a desert throughout the summer season and was tremendous.

Meanwhile, the Major has certainly put a skinny layer of ice over the White House, probably icing its doorways and home windows shut for a few hours. But then Turbo Teen drives between the 2 tanks, inflicting them to freeze one another. When the Major tries to flee, Alex grabs an icicle and makes use of Bret’s seatbelt to launch it into the traitor’s jeep’s tire, popping it, in a closing, contemptuous insult to the legal guidelines of physics.

The closing scene is of the President of the United States of America giving Bret, Pattie, Alex, and their canine every a Medal of Freedom for “bravery going above and beyond the call of duty.” Then Bret has the gall—the fucking gall—to ask for a second medal for “a friend” as in the event that they had been tote baggage being given out at an anime conference. And what’s worse is that Bret clearly needs a second medal for his automobile type which is so tousled on so many ranges I can’t stand it.

Guys, please consider me that the episode is way, far stupider than I’ve made it sound. I’ve left issues out. If you’re questioning why I’ve spent a lot time and emotional power hating a kids’s cartoon which is actually 40 years outdated, 1) this is kind of what I’m paid to do, and a pair of) I’ve a perception that not everybody shares, and it’s this: Just as a result of it’s child’s leisure, that doesn’t imply it must be moronic. These animators may have made a cartoon a few child who turns right into a automobile that adopted its personal guidelines, that wasn’t so lazily plotted it’s just like the writers had short-term reminiscence loss, and made an try and put its ridiculous premise in a naked semblance of actuality. But they didn’t. Turbo Teen has nothing however contempt for its younger viewers, and it deserves to be scorned for that. I simply occur to be late to the sport.

Assorted Musings:

• Take a take a look at the online game display. It’s clearly a recreation the place you attempt to destroy the White House, which is fairly tousled. It’s even weirder that Alex has someway managed to overlook the stationary constructing with all six of his autos. Also, please be aware that not one of the autos EVEN REMOTELY LOOK LIKE THE VEHICLES THE MAJOR HAS BUILT NOT A SINGLE ONE
• Bret spills scorching chocolate on himself and turns right into a automobile. But ingesting scorching chocolate is seemingly tremendous. This present sucks.
• There’s a second the place a man kicks Bret’s tire whereas he’s within the used automobile lot, and Bret says, “Ow!” The ramifications of this are horrifying.
• The particular motive Bret hides on the resort balcony is as a result of his dad and mom wish to retrieve their toothbrushes from the room Bret and his buddies appear to be staying in collectively. Guys? Why had been the dad and mom’ toothbrushes of their son’s room? What motive would they’ve wanted to brush their tooth there as a substitute of in their very own room? Where are they taking their toothbrushes now, and why do they want them so out of the blue? I desperately want I may cease fascinated about this.

• Honestly, I ought to have in all probability simply posted this screenshot of how the animators drew this man holding a bit of pizza like a lunatic and saved us all loads of time.

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