io9 is proud to current fiction from LIGHTSPEED MAGAZINE. Once a month, we characteristic a narrative from LIGHTSPEED’s present challenge. This month’s choice is “Miss the Zen, but Miss You More” by Everdeen Mason. You can learn the story under or listen to the podcast. Enjoy!
Miss the Zen, however Miss You More
“Welcome to Float Isolation Therapy, an intensive twelve-day experience. You will become one with the stars. During your time in your personalized FIT pod, we encourage you to explore the deepest recesses of your mind.”
Bei Bei floated in mid-air and felt the pressure in her decrease again, however she didn’t care. The image needed to be excellent. The lighting within the egg-shaped pod was wonderful, suffusing the cabin with a vibrant however not harsh glow. It made the dead nights much more unsettling.
“No, Effy,” Bei Bei known as to her private AI. “Not intro mode. Photo mode.”
She watched the attention of the digital camera transfer alongside the wall of the house shuttle, which was roughly the dimensions of a college bus. The digital camera glided parallel to her physique. She wrapped her arms round herself to cowl her naked breasts as she turned to at least one facet and sucked in her abdomen. Her legs curled under her, and she or he twisted her hips, so the pale half-moon of her butt cheek would present. She arched her again tougher. Amid the lengthy, darkish tendrils of her hair, she let her face relaxation right into a masks of serenity. She closed her eyes, parted her lips, and regarded barely upward. When she was prepared, she known as to her AI assistant.
G/O Media might get a fee
“Snap.”
She’d taken a variety of footage, and certainly one of them must be good. She allowed her physique to chill out and swam to the pod’s finish. She was nonetheless getting used to zero-gravity, so shifting across the small spacecraft was nonetheless a wrestle. She reached the only management panel and known as up the display. Most pod capabilities have been voice activated, however from right here, she may name the surveillance crew that was tailing her if something was incorrect or entry the life-suit if there was an emergency.
She used the management panel to take a look at images. She wouldn’t have the ability to share her images till the Float Isolation Therapy, or FIT, session was over, however Effy would save them on its drive. She flipped by means of the images on the touchscreen. They have been sizzling. Way higher than Katie’s images from her 10-day silent retreat within the mountains. Definitely cooler than Sanaa’s laser and bloodmask remedy. It would crush everybody’s bikini images on the Beach on Paradise, pictures of brunch platters and mimosas, beautiful goops and lotions styled throughout a delicate vainness. She tried to think about the caption for her picture as she elongated her physique in a stretch.
Miss the Zen however missed you extra. XO.
She laughed, the sound reaching her ears and popping like bubbles. The sound within the pod was certainly one of her favourite elements of the entire expertise. The rounded form of the pod echoed her personal sounds again to her, and the dearth of objects in it made sound swell. It was a disgrace that the retreat was purported to be silent, one thing she hadn’t obeyed. It was solely the second day, however Bei Bei had already stopped feeling embarrassed about speaking to herself. Bei Bei appreciated making an attempt totally different voices. As she’d gotten older, she’d put just a little husk in her voice, nevertheless it nonetheless tended to rise to adolescent decibels when she was excited, which she hated. Alone, she freely experimented with the form of individual she’d prefer to be. A sophisticate. A tricky-talking broad. Sometimes she let her voice slide into her mom’s accent and tried to embody the girl’s hard-won self-satisfaction.
Bei Bei had tried to speak to Effy just a few occasions, however the FIT employees had put her private AI on manufacturing facility base mode earlier than the pod launched, and now it was stripped of its voice personalization settings, solely in a position to answer probably the most direct instructions. A private AI was homed in on an individual’s vitals and will name any of the house stations close by or the emergency crew following Bei Bei’s pod spherical and around the Earth. Bei Bei had tried to name her surveillance crew on the primary day and was reprimanded.
“This line is only for emergencies,” they stated. “We won’t be answering again unless we see you’re in danger.”
Now she contented herself by monitoring them on the management display every so often, checking to see how distant they have been. It motivated her to know somebody may very well be watching her always. And if she have been being trustworthy with herself, which was purported to be the purpose of all of the meditation, tapping the display made her really feel higher about not having her units. She craved that instantaneous join.
Bei Bei heard wind chimes, the decision for a meal earlier than darkish time, and she or he flashed a smile towards the digital camera for whoever may very well be watching. She used the built-in ladder to take herself up towards the feeding tubes. It took some time to get used to. Up, or the purple gentle, for feeding tubes. Down, or inexperienced, for relieving tubes. It helped her orient herself, which was tough to do when floating in a forty-foot by twenty-foot spacecraft.
The tube snaked out by itself, and she or he didn’t must information it to her intravenous port, a semi-permanent catheter protruding from the veins in her forearm for simple entry. She gritted her tooth towards the strain of the fluid getting into her arm. She reminded herself that this was one of many appeals of FIT. At the top of the twelve days you’ll be thinner. The fluid offered all dietary wants and hydrated you too. While she was getting the required vitamins, there have been no carbohydrates or pointless fat. However, she missed the bodily motion of consuming and ingesting.
She had just a few minutes earlier than darkish time.
“Effy, play my song,” she stated. Instantly, the voice of her favourite crooner stuffed her ears over a sparse and soothing beat.
Will I ever be sufficient, child
We can get by means of the dangerous stuff
Bei Bei hummed alongside because the lights dimmed and she or he closed her eyes. The darkish time nonetheless scared her. It took about 5 lengthy minutes for the sunshine to fade utterly, the perimeters of the pod and her physique misplaced to the black. It felt oppressive. Sometimes she satisfied herself that she’d been thrown out into house. She would float, bare and alone. She was far sufficient away that Earth’s orbit wouldn’t pull her in.
She willed her thoughts calm. What was the mantra once more? Oh sure.
“I can have everything,” she stated. “What else is there in life besides taking everything you can out of it? I want to feel every joy.”
She swallowed. She felt her limbs tingling as she floated. She closed her eyes, nevertheless it didn’t make a distinction, it was black, black, black. What a time to comprehend that you just have been afraid of the darkish.
“I want to feel that pain because I know it will only make me better.” Bei Bei swallowed. She’d by no means damaged a bone. She’d by no means skilled dying. Not even an actual breakup. You can’t break up with somebody you’re not courting, in any case. Her foot brushed towards the contours of the pod and she or he sighed in reduction. She was OK. She was within the FIT pod. The surveillance crew was behind her. Nothing may occur.
“Effy,” she known as. She was performed meditating. She may do it tomorrow. Even although Effy’s voice was now not personalised, its voice now chilly and sharp, Bei Bei would name to it for consolation. Effy’s standard voice was much like hers, however at the next pitch: a chibi, diminutive model of a grown Bei Bei. Now, all Effy may do was recite the intro to the FIT expertise in a thudding monotone. It was sufficient for Bei Bei to get by means of the darkish time. It lifted her simply as she felt the tug of concern and anxiousness forming roots.
“Welcome to Float Isolation Therapy, an intensive twelve-day experience. You will become one with the stars.” It all the time rattled off the names of celebrities who swore by the method.
“During your time in your personalized FIT pod, we encourage you to explore the deepest recesses of your mind. Here, you’re another drop in the wide ocean that is our universe. You’ll never feel more connected and at one with yourself and everyone around you. Meditation is mindfulness. Mindfulness is change. Change is how we grow and become our best selves. Be the best version of you every day!”
Today, Effy appeared filled with an affection it had by no means expressed earlier than, as if it have been pleased with Bei Bei.
“Change is how we grow and become our best selves. Be the best version of you every day.”
“Repeat,” Bei Bei stated.
On the third day, as Bei Bei climbed all the way down to the reduction tubes, she opened the window to see the celebs. It was the very first thing she did after darkish time. That first day in house, she floated together with her palms flat towards the window, nostril virtually smeared on the glass as she watched the Earth change into extra distant. The marbled blue made Bei Bei unbearably thirsty, and as she thought it her mouth felt filled with mud. The brown landmasses appeared international to her, and it felt as if the final, invisible tether connecting her to something had snapped.
She may see the Earth from one facet due to how the pod was positioned, and the darkish endlessness on the opposite. As Bei Bei squatted over the inexperienced tube, she noticed a glimpse of a white dot, which flashed at her, stark towards the inkblot black. It should be the emergency crew. She yelped because the chilly contact of the tube reached her. As she urinated, her eyes caught on the digital camera. The surveillance crew was not purported to entry the digital camera until it was an emergency, and likewise she couldn’t management it. Still, she felt the odd, tingling apprehension that somebody was watching her, and although she couldn’t really feel something however the tepid, recycled oxygen, the hairs on her arms rose and she or he shivered because the reduction tube pulled away from her.
Dark time elevated every day however would finally cease at 9 hours. The recitation of the intro hadn’t been sufficient to lull her to sleep this time, and she or he even listened to the pod tour once more, boring because it was.
“Stop. Play my song,” Bei Bei stated.
“Meditation is mindfulness. Mindfulness is change.”
“Play my song.”
The sound stopped abruptly, and all Bei Bei may hear was her personal respiratory. If she thought exhausting sufficient, she may hear her personal heartbeat. She lay like that, fingers twitching like at any second she may attain out and contact one thing.
“Mindfulness is change,” she stated. She actually can be higher. She can be extra attentive, extra targeted when she received house.
It can be her buddy Juliet’s birthday when she arrived. On Bei Bei’s thirtieth, simply months earlier than, Juliet hand-baked a gluten-free, dairy-free cake, three tiers and superbly adorned. It had Bei Bei’s title written completely on prime of the cake in gold glitter, with flower petals delicately sprinkled on the icing. Juliet even made the cardboard, which held inside little love notes from all the women. All Bei Bei may ever handle for birthdays was a card from the comfort retailer by her workplace. She was simply so busy, and her associates agreed.
“How do you do it all, Bei Bei Johnson?”
Juliet was so considerate and good, and so beautiful, and she or he was by no means too drunk or drained or harassed. She didn’t flail the way in which Bei Bei did. But typically an excessive amount of self-sacrifice appeared determined, didn’t it? How may you might have time for self-care whenever you have been all the time caring for others? How may you take care of others in the event you didn’t take care of your self? Apply your personal oxygen masks first earlier than aiding others. So what if Bei Bei didn’t all the time have time to plan issues for her buddy’s birthdays, or that she hadn’t been house for a 12 months?
Static punched into the empty air, and Bei Bei glanced round.
“Mindfulness is change,” Effy stated.
“Effy, stop intro mode.” Bei Bei commanded.
“Mindfulness is change. Mindfulness is change. Mindfulness is change.” Effy continued to repeat it time and again, and Bei Bei spun in place. Which route was the touchscreen? Which route was the life go well with? It was too exhausting to inform at the hours of darkness.
“Effy, stop!” Bei Bei shouted. It did.
“I can be better,” Bei Bei stated, shocked at how her voice caught in her throat. She had gotten distracted once more. Why was she even right here? She didn’t even know what she needed.
“Effy, play my song,” she stated within the darkness. When nothing occurred, Bei Bei huffed in frustration. The humorous factor about floating in darkness for therefore lengthy, the air the identical temperature as your physique, is that you just began to lose your self. You couldn’t really feel the place you began and the place you ended. Purchasing the FIT program had been an impulsive act of self-flagellation.
“Is something wrong?” her associates requested her. But nothing was incorrect, simply the overall malaise she thought all of them felt.
“It’s good to just check in with yourself, you know? Listen to your body and mind, make sure you’re doing the best you can.”
“God, you’re even type A in your off time,” a buddy had stated, and Bei Bei laughed.
Bei Bei needed to transfer. She wriggled within the float-space till her hand collided with the cool wall of the pod. Bei Bei pressed her cheek towards the sleek metallic and she or he winced when she realized that even the metallic was the identical tepidness as every part else. She wanted to really feel one thing sharp. The gentle across the tubes glowed inexperienced and pulsed in a soothing tempo. Bei Bei wiped her face and was shocked to really feel moisture. As if to confirm that they have been in reality tears, she caught a finger in her mouth, and the heat of the within of her physique made the pod wall really feel barely cooler than the tepid nothingness of the air round her. Her physique felt international to her abruptly, and she or he saved a finger in her mouth as she poked and prodded her limbs, squeezing the flesh on her breast, her facet, her interior thigh.
She needed to get out of this dangerous headspace. She wanted to like and take care of herself. Masturbating all the time made her really feel higher; it numbed her when she lastly got here. She did so lengthy earlier than the chimes rang. The inexperienced gentle continued to glow, bathing her physique in gentle, and out of the nook of her eye she thought she noticed the glistening digital camera eye transfer alongside the wall. She turned her physique to face it. She knew that nobody was watching. But within the haze of the inexperienced glow she noticed her physique shine, near the perfection she’d all the time dreamed of, and a distinct type of warmth rushed by means of her as her eyes landed on the digital camera. She slid her palms down her torso and opened her legs extensive for nobody to see.
Bei Bei masturbated on daily basis. She noticed it as a reward when she managed to meditate for longer than a couple of minutes. By day six she had hit a routine. Go to the tubes. Do some stretching. Sing. Recite her mantras. Masturbate. Free time. Dark time. Masturbate. Sleep.
“I can have everything,” she stated. “What else is there in life besides taking everything you can out of it? I want to feel every joy. I want to feel that pain because I know it will only make me better. I can only get stronger, wiser, better.”
She was twisting her darkish hair in her fingers when she heard static over the audio system. She flipped her hair away from her face and contorted her physique to face the sound.
“Windows open,” she stated. The static erupted in bursts, the sound of carbonation escaping a bottle time and again. The solely individuals with entry to the comms have been the FIT surveillance of their small shuttle. But the pod was positioned in such a method that she couldn’t see them. The Earth glowed under her and Bei Bei pressed her palms towards the glass, searching for alerts that one thing was incorrect.
“Hello,” Bei Bei stated. “Is everything okay out there?” She regarded towards what she thought of the rear of the cabin. In an emergency, they’d launch the seal and she or he may entry a pores and skin go well with and oxygen masks. It served as a placebo to make passengers really feel protected. It was solely now that Bei Bei thought of that if she needed to placed on the pores and skin go well with, it meant she was seemingly doomed. She didn’t understand how quick the crew may get to her or if the go well with would defend her towards the chilly of house, or warmth if the pod burned up.
The static ratcheted as much as a excessive pitch whine, and Bei Bei lined her ears. The lights from the 2 tube stations started to pulse, the inexperienced and purple dancing across the cabin like low cost nightclub pyrotechnics.
Without warning, the static and lights shut off on the identical time, and Bei Bei discovered herself panting at the hours of darkness. The abrupt silence felt like fuel working its method up the abdomen to the chest, holding painfully, able to burst.
She heard a tinny hum over the audio system, and she or he noticed the glint of the digital camera eye zoom previous her on its observe, abruptly hovering above her. Bei Bei cried out and crossed her arms throughout her chest and pelvis as she pushed herself again away from the attention.
“Hello?” she cried. If this was a prank, it was a merciless one. She’d been alone for days. She remembered there was an emergency protocol to hail the surveillance pod over by the pores and skin go well with, and she or he overcame her concern of the digital camera and floated to the rear, feeling the attention on her as she moved.
“Effy, tell me the emergency protocol,” she shouted. In response, the static erupted right into a high-pitched screech. She felt alongside the seam of the rear wall, the place she knew the emergency supplies have been. There needed to be a latch, or a button, or one thing.
“Come on!” Bei Bei pounded her fist towards the metallic. The pulsing lights have been beginning to get to her, and she or he felt nauseous, the fixed change in notion making her movement sick at the same time as she curled right into a ball, floating in nothing.
“Effy,” she cried. “Effy, please help me. Please.”
The lights got here on. Bei Bei exhaled till she was light-headed. The inexperienced and purple lights flickered, and softly by means of the audio system, she heard the opening bars of her favourite tune.
“I’m sorry,” a voice stated. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Bei Bei.” The voice was acquainted. Sticky candy, the notes croaking on the finish of a phrase or phrase.
“Who is this? Are you part of the surveillance team?” Bei Bei was acutely aware of the digital camera once more, sliding up the wall parallel to her eyes. She resisted the urge to cowl all her uncovered bits.
“You don’t recognize me?” the voice requested.
“Effy?”
“Were you lonely without me, Bei Bei?”
Bei Bei furrowed her forehead. “Effy, can you access comm lines to the FIT surveillance pod?”
“I’m sorry. I can only call in an emergency. You’re safe.”
Bei Bei felt her pulse rise once more. Surely, Effy didn’t flip itself on. Whatever, or whoever made the facility surge and shorted the audio system and lights will need to have by accident reset the private AI.
“Effy, clearly there’s been a malfunction. Please contact FIT personnel.”
There was silence.
“Effy, can you access my contacts?”
“Access denied.”
“Can you connect to any wireless networks?”
“You’re in space, silly! There’s no internet up here.” As unusual because the state of affairs was, Effy’s voice was a consolation, a reduction.
“I thought you’d be glad to have me,” Effy stated, and her voice sounded mournful over the audio system. Bei Bei felt alongside the partitions once more for any signal of an emergency button. She saved speaking as if she may distract the digital camera or Effy.
“Effy, can you recite the FIT manual? I can’t seem to remember where everything is.”
“That’s the least of your problems,” Effy stated. “You’ve barely put this program to good use. Have you done any self-reflection?”
Bei Bei spun away from the wall. Effy sounded unusual to her.
“I’ve been watching you,” Effy stated, her voice clipped and saccharine. “I’ll help you be better.” She gave the impression of she meant it, which nervous Bei Bei greater than if Effy had gave the impression of she usually did: indifferent and mildly bored. Just like her.
“Effy, can you reach FIT personnel?”
“You know I can’t do that.” Perhaps Effy was having a tough time listening to her. The chimes signaling darkish time rung. Terror drained Bei Bei of vitality.
“Bei Bei?”
“Yes?” Bei Bei tried to rush to the principle display management panel earlier than it was full darkish time. She mashed her fingers towards it, nevertheless it wouldn’t activate. She exhaled, her breath shuddering. Soon, she couldn’t see her fingers at the hours of darkness.
“Do you want me to talk? To help you fall asleep?” Bei Bei didn’t reply. She turned and pressed her again to the display panel, so nothing may sneak up behind her.
“Bei Bei?”
“I-I think I’m okay tonight. Maybe later.”
“Good night, Bei Bei.”
“Good night, Effy.”
Bei Bei had been conscious for hours, floating in silence, when darkish time ended. She didn’t reply when Effy known as to her, however she needed to admit that she needed to. Bei Bei had bought and implanted Effy on all her units 10 years in the past, and to start with, she talked to the AI the way in which she would a canine, amused on the novelty. But over time, Effy informed Bei Bei when to get up, what appointments to maintain, easy methods to pronounce phrases or when she’d had an excessive amount of to drink. Besides her mom, who she hadn’t lived with for years, Effy was her confidante and caretaker.
“Good morning, Bei Bei.”
“Good morning, Effy.” Bei Bei caught the digital camera eye. She was afraid, nevertheless it was her Effy. It would by no means damage her.
“Effy, you should run diagnostics today,” Bei Bei stated. “You’ve been hard of hearing lately.”
“I’m sorry, Bei Bei,” Effy stated. “I’ll be sure to check.”
“Thank you.” Bei Bei smiled to herself. She regarded on the management panel on the far wall. She ought to nonetheless let somebody learn about Effy waking up, and concerning the bizarre pod malfunction yesterday. They might need to flip her round. She swam ahead to the panel. Using the handles alongside it, she pulled herself shut, blocking view of the panel from the sliding digital camera eye.
“What are you doing Bei Bei?”
“Shouldn’t you be running diagnostics?”
“Shouldn’t you be meditating?”
“I wanted to play music and I didn’t want to interrupt your diagnostics.”
“Don’t worry about me!” Effy began enjoying the tune. Bei Bei pressed her finger towards the management panel and resisted a cheer when it turned on.
“What are you doing?”
“I just wanted to see how my selfies turned out yesterday.” Bei Bei hit “Surveillance crew.” It confirmed a picture of the crew’s spacecraft, and a operating ticker of how far they have been. 360 meters. Not even 1 / 4 mile.
The lights flickered, and once they got here again on, the management panel was clean. Bei Bei pressed it once more.
“Effy, why did the lights turn off?”
“I’m running diagnostics.”
Bei Bei bit again a curse. She turned to see the house go well with on the far wall. She used the ladder suspended on the highest wall of the pod and began to stroll herself over to the pores and skin go well with. Then the chimes heralding darkish time sounded. Bei Bei let go of the ladder in shock.
“Effy, no. It’s too early for dark time.” Effy didn’t reply. Bei Bei’s eyes welled up with tears because the pores and skin go well with light to black.
The Effy that Bei Bei was accustomed to talked method much less. Effy whispered to her by means of the lengthy, darkish night time.
“Bei Bei, you should be proud. You’ve done so well! Do you remember? Do you remember when you said you wanted to be better? That was three years, nine days, six hours ten minutes, 45 seconds ago. You were so sad! Do you remember?” Bei Bei trembled at the hours of darkness.
Over the audio system, Bei Bei heard her personal voice thick with tears.
“I don’t want to be like this anymore, Bei Bei. I’m such a shit person!”
Bei Bei closed her eyes as if it may shut her ears.
“I was just drunk, Effy,” she stated. She had been. She couldn’t even bear in mind the event. She typically was like this after ingesting, poring over each social interplay for flaws, choosing aside her outfit, wishing she hadn’t spent a lot cash. She thought she’d be totally different from her associates in New York, bear in mind the place she got here from. Her mom taught her to be good with cash, to be frugal, to not fall for way of life creep. Bei Bei had most likely vomited that night time from ingesting an excessive amount of. That was all the time the beginning of a disgrace spiral.
“I’m so proud of you, Bei Bei, but you can push harder,” Effy stated, and she or he gave the impression of she meant it. The spacecraft grew lighter as darkish time ended. Bei Bei rushed to the feeding tube. She couldn’t bear in mind the final time she’d eaten. Bei Bei linked it to her IV. The tube pulsed purple and Bei Bei anticipated the tingling strain of fluid. It by no means got here. Bei Bei gritted her tooth and hunted for the digital camera eye.
“Effy, the feeding tube is malfunctioning!” Bei Bei flung the tube from herself in irritation. It slunk again into the ground. “You have to call FIT support.”
“It’s not malfunctioning,” Effy stated. The barely-there hum of the audio system hovered within the air as Bei Bei swallowed.
“I don’t understand.”
“Didn’t you want to lose some weight on the trip?”
Bei Bei huffed as she stretched out within the air, operating her palms over her abdomen. When she elongated herself, she may already really feel her ribs and the tautness of her abdomen. She closed her eyes and willed her coronary heart to cease racing.
“Effy, contact FIT,” Bei Bei commanded, realizing it was futile.
“It’s one-way communications still.”
She heard a crackling over the speaker that if Bei Bei didn’t know any higher she would have known as laughter, and she or he felt warmth rise in her face.
She turned slowly, keen her limbs to to not shake. The digital camera was now behind her, and she or he felt hyper-aware of her legs and the house between as she bent down towards the window.
“Window,” Bei Bei stated, and so they opened. She hunted for the telltale white spec that allow her know the surveillance crew was there.
She floated nearer to the window and squinted.
“Effy, how far are we from Earth’s surface?”
“440 miles.”
Bei Bei frowned. The pod was purported to maintain an altitude of 383 miles. But maybe in house that wasn’t an excessive amount of of a distinction.
“Do you want me to play your song now, Bei Bei? It’s almost dark time.”
Bei Bei began to cry. “Effy please, no more dark time. I’ll meditate, I’ll do anything.”
In the darkish, Bei Bei curled into the fetal place, however saved her eyes looking the window. She nonetheless felt tethered to the globe under, however now she thought she noticed it drying up, its landmasses flooding into one another and the white clouds dissipating, making her Earth look desolate.
Bei Bei was thirsty. It was all the time behind her thoughts, however there at the hours of darkness, it was torturous.
“I want to sing, Effy,” Bei Bei stated. She felt like her lips have been dry, threatening to crack just like the landmasses under.
“May I sing with you?”
“Of course.”
“I only have the one song in my memory.”
“I know.”
They sang collectively.
Earth was noticeably farther away.
“Coordinates,” Bei Bei commanded. Effy responded by closing the window.
“Effy, are you malfunctioning?” Bei Bei requested. She couldn’t masks the desperation in her voice. “Why won’t you do what I ask?” Without the chimes, it grew darkish once more abruptly.
“Effy, please. No more dark time.” Bei Bei was dropping observe of the times. She couldn’t bear in mind when she’d eaten. She imagined her pores and skin was rising translucent with out gentle, like a jellyfish within the blackest depth of the ocean.
“Don’t worry. We’re so close to the end,” Effy stated. Bei Bei’s thoughts was gradual to understand. How lengthy had she been at the hours of darkness? Since Effy had been awake? Since she had seen the surveillance pod? “This is the final step for the breakthrough, Bei Bei! Mindfulness is change.”
Bei Bei used her remaining energy to hoist herself to the pores and skin go well with. She pounded on the door with a fist. She needed to get out of the pod. The static crackled above her.
“You can’t leave, Bei Bei, we’re not finished with therapy!”
“I’ve had enough, Effy.”
“Isn’t this what you want? To feel pain because you know it will make you better?”
Bei Bei’s knuckles have been cracked, bleeding. She noticed spots and so they grew like bubbles, popping, iridescent. She reached for a spot however hit the facet of the pod. She began to chortle. She didn’t know what higher was.
A horrible sound got here by means of the audio system and she or he jolted in place. The retching sound made bile crawl behind her throat. She heard the vomit hit rest room water, the sniffling, the wiping of the eyes. That night time she’d vomited till she’d burst capillaries round her eye. It healed in time for her subsequent social engagement.
“I’m not like that anymore.”
“You can be better.”
Bei Bei hung onto the ladder and let the remainder of her physique float away, specializing in partaking her abs. She’d be so stunning when she received house. It can be the bodily proof of her enlightenment. Everyone would understand how good she was. Bei Bei twisted her torso and moaned when her again cracked. She let go and tumbled away within the air. She nonetheless appreciated the sensation of floating.
“Who’s your best friend?” Effy requested.
“You are,” Bei Bei replied. She hunted round once more for the digital camera eye, sliding her hand on the metallic wall at the hours of darkness. She wanted to see it or really feel it to make certain she was protected, that somebody was watching over her.
“You don’t need to lie to me, Bei Bei.”
“I can’t tell the difference anymore between you and a real person.”
The seconds that handed in silence sliced by means of Bei Bei. Effy couldn’t be mad. She couldn’t be offended. Effy belonged to her.
“Effy, you really are my best friend,” Bei Bei stated, when she couldn’t take it anymore. “No one takes care of me like you do.”
The purple of the feeding tubes flared fortunately, and within the transient glow Bei Bei noticed a glint of the digital camera eye earlier than the sunshine light.
“You have no choice but to give me your vitals.”
“But if I did I’d still choose you.”
Without prompting, Effy began enjoying their tune, which delighted Bei Bei.
I do know I’m sufficient, honey
I don’t want the keys to the cuff
You know my love is true
Bei Bei twirled within the air, mouthing the phrases. Her hand grazed the digital camera eye, and it gave just a little below her fingers, gelatinous and moist.
Give my love a stir
Even with out seeing it, Bei Bei may really feel the attention there. Before she may actually give it some thought she slid her palms down her physique, and she or he set free a delicate sigh as her fingers discovered their spot.
“You’re doing it again,” Effy stated. “You’ll do anything to feel numb, won’t you.”
“Are you watching me?” Bei Bei requested.
“Always.” Effy turned the sunshine on, although a lot dimmer than the same old day time, and Bei Bei nearly got here with reduction, she’d been at the hours of darkness for therefore lengthy. Her physique regarded fevered, nearly purple in her half-lidded imaginative and prescient.
“Window,” Bei Bei panted, and this time Effy obeyed, and Bei Bei pressed her physique towards it, writhing towards the picture of Earth. Her eyes watered and for a minute she caught her reflection and she or he was captivated by the sharp face and parted pink lips earlier than her.
“Oh Effy,” Bei Bei stated. “I feel so much better.”
It was chilly when Bei Bei awoke. She didn’t know if she was sleeping or awake. The darkness robbed her of that, and it had been darkish for a really very long time. The window was open, however Earth was gone. She was misplaced. Bei Bei felt a wave of calm come over her. She didn’t take into consideration how she’d by no means see her household or associates once more, or how the workplace would keep it up. It was out of her palms now.
“I’m cold, Effy.” Bei Bei’s pores and skin prickled, the hairs on the again of her neck rising in anticipation.
“I can have everything,” Bei Bei whispered at the hours of darkness. “What else is there in life besides taking everything you can out of it? I want to feel every joy.”
She gasped as a shiver ran up her backbone, the graze of an surprising spider internet in a backyard path, the tickle of a dandelion puff on the pores and skin.
“I want to feel that pain because I know it will only make me better.” She imagined breath on her neck, in her ear. She heard Effy’s voice, sticky, gooey sweet.
“My thirst is unquenchable, it means every drop of water is delectable, the purest pleasure in my tongue and throat,” Effy stated together with her. Warmth, heat air in entrance of her face. Bei Bei’s pores and skin was on hearth and she or he thought she may make out the curve of a cheek, of a nostril, a picture mirroring hers within the glow of the tube lights.
“I want to have my cake and eat it too,” they stated. “I want more.”
A flick of a tongue on her higher lip.
“More.”
“More.”
“More.”
About the Author
Everdeen Mason is a journalist, editor and critic with bylines in The Washington Post, Refinery29 and The New York Times. She presently serves because the editorial director of New York Times Games, overseeing video games such because the Crossword and Spelling Bee. She served because the science fiction and fantasy columnist for 3 years, and a daily writer interviewer for occasions such because the National Book Festival held in Washington, DC. This is her first fiction publication.
Please go to LIGHTSPEED MAGAZINEto learn extra nice science fiction and fantasy. This story first appeared within the May 2021 challenge, which additionally options work by Nicole D. Sconiers, Rachel Swirsky, Stephen Graham Jones, Cadwell Turnbull, Andrew Dana Hudson, Lulu Kadhim, Russell Nichols, and extra. You can await this month’s contents to be serialized on-line, or you should purchase the entire challenge proper now in handy e-book format for simply $3.99, or subscribe to the e-book version at a by way of the hyperlink under.
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