io9 is proud to current fiction from LIGHTSPEED MAGAZINE. Once a month, we function a narrative from LIGHTSPEED’s present situation. This month’s choice is “Memoranda from the End of the World” by Gene Doucette. You can learn the story beneath or listen to the podcast on our web site. Enjoy!
Memoranda from the End of the World
[For internal use only]
RE: YOUR COMPANY-ISSUED BREATHING APPARATUS
Attached, please discover your private company-issued Breathing Apparatus, for speedy use inside all company campus unfiltered air areas!
This contains all out of doors areas, reminiscent of: the parking tons; the parking storage; the smoker’s hut; the paths between the buildings; the shuttlebus ready space; the tennis courtroom; and the company golf course. It additionally features a restricted variety of indoor areas, reminiscent of: the shuttlebus; any space listed as “Under Construction”; and the worker lavatory on stage two within the north wing of constructing H.
(Note: If you’re studying this memorandum at any of the above-listed unventilated areas, please skip to the part entitled “How to Wear Your Personal Breathing Apparatus” instantly and comply with the prescribed steps.)
G/O Media could get a fee
As detailed within the prior memoranda, “ON THE UNFORTUNATELY HIGH PARTICULATE MATTER COUNT IN OUR COOLING TOWER EJECTA” and “WHY YOU MAY BE COUGHING MORE THIS WEEK,” per coverage, all workers should put on their private Breathing Apparatuses when liable to inhaling unfiltered air whereas on the company campus.
(For extra info, please seek the advice of the up to date Policy on Breathing within the on-line company handbook.)
FAQ
Q: How lengthy will this coverage be in impact?
A: Hopefully not for lengthy! Air high quality exams are being performed continuously by our on-campus staff of researchers and the authorized division. We will present a timeline shortly.
Q: In addition to experiencing shortness of breath, I’ve additionally skilled among the following: redness and itching of the eyes; extreme saliva; pores and skin irritation; panic assaults; and dissociative episodes. Are these signs associated to the air high quality considerations expressed by the company?
A: These signs can’t be positively linked to the company’s unfiltered air high quality situation presently.
Q: Should I be involved for my household?
A: If your speedy household resides greater than ten miles from the company campus, then no! Otherwise, please contact your supervisor about signing the litigation waiver and acquiring extra Breathing Apparatuses in your speedy members of the family.
Q: I’ve heard rumors that the excessive particulate matter depend within the coolant tower ejecta is said to work on Project ExtraSolar. What are you able to inform us?
A: As all the time, all the pieces referring to Project ExtraSolar is assessed as Top Secret. Please seek advice from the Policy on Denying the Existence of Project ExtraSolar within the on-line company handbook for extra info.
[For internal use only]
RE: THE IMPORTANCE OF NOT BREATHING UNFILTERED AIR AT THIS TIME
It has come to the eye of Corporate Safety and Security that the obligatory Breathing Apparatus pointers should not being strictly adhered to by all workers.
As beforehand outlined—see: “YOUR COMPANY-ISSUED BREATHING APPARATUS”—the sporting of your private Breathing Apparatus is required every time inhaling non-filtered air whereas on the company campus.
Many have famous that in the midst of issuing Breathing Apparatuses to all workers, we have now uncared for to clarify why it was vital to not breathe unfiltered air whereas on the company campus. There are various litigation-adjacent causes we didn’t do that (and why we nonetheless can not). However, we can talk about various the fairly harmful theories which have lately come to our consideration.
Theory #1: “This is actually a psychological test and there’s nothing wrong with the air.”
This is fake. There very a lot is one thing incorrect with the air. Please additionally word that our psy-ops division was defunded two years in the past.
Theory #2: “The air is toxic and if you’ve already breathed it you’re going to die anyway, so why bother?”
This is fake. Corporate wouldn’t situation Breathing Apparatuses if we knew the air was poisonous and it was already too late for everybody. The fact is we’re nonetheless working exams.
Theory #3: “The air grants people special abilities and corporate is trying to keep it all for themselves.”
This is fake. This idea—and the same “freedom air” idea—are the preferred and the least believable of the theories we have now encountered. We can not presently verify the nature of the pollutant within the company campus’s unfiltered air, however—as is true for any industrial accident—the air doesn’t grant particular skills.
(Note: We can neither verify nor deny that there was an industrial accident.)
It has additionally been reported that among the workers who have inhaled unfiltered air on our company campus—whether or not accidentally or deliberately—declare to have skilled a sort of euphoria. Like the above theories, that is false: Euphoria just isn’t a acknowledged symptom.
Again: Euphoria is not a acknowledged symptom.
Any workers caught “chasing the euphoria” by “breathing the freedom air” and/or encouraging others to take action can be referred to H.R. instantly, and should face termination.
[For internal use only]
RE: MEDIA INQUIRIES
In the wake of current occasions, the company felt it vital to handle what’s changing into an more and more frequent downside for our workers: coping with the media.
It’s vital to keep in mind that all media inquiries must be directed to our Public Relations division and/or the Legal division. When a member of the media asks you a query in regards to the company, you should refer them. (Contact info for each is connected to this memo.)
We additionally strongly urge all workers, when confronted with media inquiries, to ask themselves: are you the individual throughout the company finest certified to talk for the company?
Almost with out exception, the reply is not any. This is regardless of the query, the questioner, or the circumstance by which the questioner and the questioned occur to come across each other.
However, we additionally acknowledge that below excessive duress, workers could not have the presence of thoughts to ruminate on the appropriateness of an in-progress media interplay. Likewise, not all media members readily establish themselves, and a few circumstances don’t allow time for an worker to ask if their interrogator is talking on behalf of a media conglomerate.
This is why we at company headquarters are advising that every one workers study to use the next phrase—“I don’t know”—to all exterior inquiries concerning the corporate.
This phrase has been permitted by the authorized division to be used in all circumstances through which an worker is requested a query referring to the corporate by a non-employee, and it’s for use always whatever the query.
Here are a couple of real-life examples of how saying “I don’t know” will help each you (the worker) and the company as an entire proceed to succeed.
Example #1:
Five quarantined workers escape containment and exit the campus in a heightened state of euphoric dementia. After sacking the native police station, their chief—“Nigel”—declares himself king. The 5 escapees are ultimately contained, however solely after killing seven folks and biting one other twenty-two.
A member of the media reaches out to identified workers of the company. You, an affiliate of “Nigel,” are requested to remark.
Option 1: “It was only a matter of time. We’re all going to [expletive] die. Do you own a gun? Get a [expletive] gun. (crying) Those poor bastards . . . Look, go underground and maybe you can hold them off for a while. It’s worth a try, right? Right? (more crying.) I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Option 2: “The corporation strongly denies any connection with these individuals, cannot explain why they have employee badges, and only learned about the unfortunate attack on the police station just now when you asked about it.”
Option 3: “I don’t know.”
As we are able to see, the real-world response proven in Option 1 is inappropriate. Option 2 is good, however tough to breed with out authorized help. Option 3 is subsequently most popular.
Example #2
An outdated school pal asks if there’s any connection between the corporate’s drastic enhance in safety fencing, the breakdown of native authorities, and the unfold of “Euphoric Fever.” Unbeknownst to you, this outdated school pal now works for a world media group.
Option 1: “This is what happens when you try to play God with alien microbes. Jesus Christ. This [expletive] company, man. Hey, I gotta run, they’re having a problem with the flamethrower again.”
Option 2: “True or not I must assume that you, old college friend, are currently employed by an international media organization. The corporation’s updated fencing was purely aesthetic, we have no comment about local government, and we’ve never heard of ‘Euphoric Fever.’”
Option 3: “I don’t know.”
As earlier than, possibility 3 is most popular, possibility 2 is higher however difficult for many workers, and possibility 1—the real-world response, sadly—is very damaging to the repute of the company and must be prevented.
Example #3
While off responsibility and after being relocated to a safe facility, through the course of ready in line for rations you overhear a military common discussing using napalm for an upcoming counterstrike. Concerned, and with info concerning the viability of fireside, you method to debate it with him.
You don’t discover that the overall is at the moment on stay tv.
Option 1: “WE TRIED FIRE! NOTHING WORKS! THEY’RE NOT HUMAN ANYMORE! [garbled ranting] [expletive] [garbled ranting] [incoherent shrieking]”
Option 2: “These corporation-supplied rations are healthy and delicious!”
Option 3: Do not method the overall. Do not talk about what you already know with the army in any respect.
Option 4: “I don’t know.”
You are right: this instance is definitely a trick! The finest possibility is 3. Options 1, 2, and 4 all function interrupting a stay tv broadcast, which attracts unwelcome consideration no matter what one says following that interruption. However, if you end up fully unable to keep away from doing this, choices 2 or 4 are far higher than the real-world possibility 1.
We hope this recommendation and the offered examples show helpful to you, our valued workers, in navigating the difficult occasions we’re at the moment experiencing.
Also word: If you suppose you have got mentioned or are going to say one thing to a media consultant, we ask that you just attain out to your supervisor instantly for additional steering.
From: the workplace of the Search for Non-Terrestrial Intelligence (SNOTI)
To: all SNOTI-participating observatories
RE: POSSIBLE NON-TERRESTRIAL SIGNAL IDENTIFIED & PNTL WARNING
Dear collaborating members:
We right here on the major SNOTI workplace hope that this message reaches you, and that you’re nicely and never at the moment contaminated with the PNTL contagion (about which: extra beneath.) Tragically, the newest info has it that our observatories in North America and Western Europe have, very similar to the remainder of society in these areas, collapsed. (So, for those who are studying this and positioned in a type of areas, it’s possible you aren’t totally your self. If this isn’t the case, cheerio! We hope you have got sufficient meals and water. Please tell us if we will help.)
We have two vital items of knowledge to share with our members presently. First, present proof signifies that our New South Wales observatory, at the side of our Guizhou department, have confirmed the receipt of a message from a non-terrestrial supply!
This could sound very a lot as if we’ve found the existence of water moments earlier than drowning. However, regardless of the very actual world risk the Parasitic Non-Terrestrial Lifeform contagion represents to us all, lots of our SNOTI observatories have continued to work laborious within the seek for clever non-terrestrial life that can also be not at the moment on the planet. To that finish: we seem to have succeeded!
We’re attaching the coordinates for the sign supply to this memorandum. Please word that the coordinates do not correspond to something particularly; the sign is both being despatched from a beforehand undiscovered planet, or a neighborhood non-terrestrial object.
If you’re able, have energy, and are of sound thoughts, please direct your array to the coordinates. Be conscious that we have now not been in a position to discern what the sign is saying presently, if something. However, it is repeating and non-random.
(In what was a gesture of wishful pondering—the stress has gotten to us all—the NSW workplace did craft and ship a response, within the unlikely occasion the sign origin was someplace close by, astronomically talking. We welcome you to do the identical, if it lightens the temper.)
Secondly, it has come to our consideration that these inflicted with the PNTL contagion are uncommonly interested in observatories. If you haven’t already finished so, we strongly suggest you fortify your facility in addition to is feasible.
Happy sign looking! We promise to share any new findings as they occur, for so long as we’re in a position.
Sincerely,
Your SNOTI directors
[For internal use only]
RE: SAYING GOODBYE TO OUR SOUTHWESTERN CORPORATE CAMPUS
It is with a heavy coronary heart that we should formally announce the closing of the company’s major campus, efficient instantly.
This just isn’t a choice calmly made! Despite the making an attempt occasions of the previous a number of months, we right here on the Corporate Shelter have been attacking the issue every day within the hopes of arising with an answer.
(Note: As talked about within the earlier memo, “WE ARE UNABLE TO DISCLOSE THE LOCATION OF THE TOP SECRET CORPORATE SHELTER”, we’re unable to reveal the situation of the highest secret company shelter presently. We proceed to log your requests!)
However, current satellite tv for pc surveys of our southwestern campus have introduced us to the identical conclusion lots of you little question already reached: the campus technically now not exists in any significant bodily sense.
This was finally because of the army’s firebombing marketing campaign, though the riots have been a proximate trigger. We have additionally been notified that the upcoming nuclear strike is prone to render any insurance coverage claims moot.
And so: we have now determined it could be within the company’s finest pursuits to shut the campus completely, write off the loss, and transfer on.
Unfortunately, this implies we will even be initiating a compulsory attrition for all workers assigned to that facility who haven’t already self-furloughed by the use of untimely loss of life or an infection.
(Note: workers bothered with Euphoric Fever are ineligible for severance. Please learn Corporate Stance on Non-Human Status of PNTL-Infected Persons within the on-line company handbook for particulars on this coverage.)
If you imagine your employment standing has been impacted by this modification, however haven’t but been contacted by Human Resources, let your speedy supervisor know instantly in order that we could start the obligatory attrition course of.
We want to apologize to all affected workers, and thanks all in your years of service. None of us on the Corporate Shelter could be right here with out your laborious work and lots of sacrifices.
WELCOME TO YOUR GOVERNMENT-SPONSORED BUNKER
Hello and welcome to Long-Term Subterranean Housing Bunker #7, or as we wish to name it, “The Bunker!”
Before we go over some very vital guidelines about your new long-term housing, we want to congratulate you on having made it this far, and to thanks for being right here! The complete collapse of society is tough on us all, however we’re positive that in time you’ll alter, simply as we have, to the modified circumstances!
Now, a short questionnaire, to carry everybody on top of things as shortly as potential! Don’t fear, there aren’t any incorrect solutions. Take your time and have enjoyable!
Entrance Questionnaire
Q: What is your age, and are you medically able to fathering/bearing kids?
A: __________
Q: What is your distinctive/particular talent/data base that was thought-about crucial in rebuilding civilization? Are you the one one who can do it, or can it’s taught within the occasion one thing ought to occur to you?
A: __________
Q: Do you have got a fever?
A: __________
Q: Are you content proper now? As in, very pleased?
A: __________
Q: Please record all of the weapons you’re proficient in using. (Provide as a lot element as potential. Ex: as an alternative of “guns”, say “Sig Sauer P320” or “Winchester Model 94 carbine 30-30”.)
A: __________
Q: Have you ever killed an individual? (In self-defense or in any other case.)
A: __________
Q: Are you positive you’re not an unreasonable diploma of pleased proper now?
A: __________
Q: Please record any abilities not already talked about above. (Ex: truck driving; masonry; flamethrower upkeep.)
A: __________
Turn in your accomplished type to the bunker sergeant. Note that this questionnaire is obligatory.
Important Rules About Your New Housing
It’s critically vital that every one bunker residents be conscious of every of those guidelines, and to comply with them precisely, at all occasions!
Rule #1: Do not go exterior. If you aren’t an lively member of the assault staff or the fireplace squad, don’t depart the bunker at any time, for any purpose. You won’t be allowed again inside.
Rule #2: No smoking. We respect that this can be a problem for a lot of of you, however please remember that the air filters are the one factor protecting the bunker protected from the contagion; any pointless stress to the filters must be prevented. Also, there isn’t a provide of tobacco merchandise within the bunker. If you propose to step exterior for a smoke, please see rule #1.
Rule #3: Report pleased folks. Parasitic Non-Terrestrial Lifeform contagion, AKA PNTL, AKA PANTAL, AKA PANTALOON, AKA Euphoric Fever, has the next easily-identifiable signs: 1) overwhelming euphoria, 2) a light fever, 3) delusions of grandeur, 4) a robust urge to chew folks. These signs typically current on this order, which implies that happiness is the primary signal that one thing could also be incorrect. If you encounter somebody within the bunker who seems to be pleased in a manner that is not sensible to you, belief your instincts! Report unnaturally pleased folks to the bunker sergeant in order that they are often remoted and examined.
Rule #4: Do not ask for extra meals. Your every day assigned rations have been apportioned exactly to supply sufficient energy for all of us to outlive. Do not ask for added helpings, or for seasoning or condiments. What you have got been offered is all there’s. Keep in thoughts that our bunker nutritionists are calculating not solely how a lot meals every of us can have per day, however for what number of days, based mostly on how a lot meals we at the moment have. Additional helpings now could imply a complete lack of meals later.
Thank you in your time! Please see your bunker sergeant in your sleeping project. We want you luck as a brand new and productive member of The Bunker!
[This missive translated from [Untranslatable] to English.
When solely one of the best [Untranslatable] will do, select [Untranslatable] for all of your galactic translations!]
NOTICE OF IMPENDING FUMIGATION
People of Earth:
Your planet has been designated for fumigation. Please see beneath for particulars.
Why is that this occurring?
The Galactic Corporation at [Untranslatable] has decided that Earth is at the moment within the midst of an outbreak of [Untranslatable] Flu. (You may additionally comprehend it because the [Untranslatable] Fever, [Untranslatable] Plague, or The Crazypants.) As you’re conscious, this illness is attributable to a extremely infectious, sentient pathogen, generally often called [Untranslatable] or George.
As there isn’t a identified remedy for [Untranslatable], one of the best recourse as soon as an outbreak has occurred is to eradicate the contaminated populace.
Is there a remedy?
There is not any remedy.
Eradication appears drastic?
Eradication is the one viable choice to halt the unfold. Those contaminated with [Untranslatable] search solely to seek out others to contaminate. Once a planet has run out of host candidates, the bothered will exhaust all choices to depart the planet for different worlds.
Any of these contaminated who’re nonetheless succesful will purchase spacecrafts, whereas the later-stage contaminated will instinctively gravitate to larger floor for so long as larger floor exists. We on the Galactic Corporation’s company headquarters at [Untranslatable] have a accountability to our shareholder planetary methods to step in earlier than a runaway outbreak of [Untranslatable] Flu jumps planets.
How will the planet be fumigated?
Employing the newest and finest expertise, our knowledgeable staff of fumigators will encompass the planet with our patented Neutron Shield and irradiate the floor with excessive doses of gamma radiation.
This course of makes use of 1/3 much less gamma radiation than our opponents, with twice the effectiveness in half the time. (Ask for a brochure!) Your planet must be prepared for repopulation in fewer than twenty-thousand galactic normal years, which is lots higher than the thirty-five thousand the competitors can promise!
When will this start?
The fumigation has not but been scheduled. Expect a second discover nearer to the date.
FOR SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES ONLY
What do I do if my complete species is positioned on this planet?
We on the Galactic Corporation at [Untranslatable] acknowledge that some much less superior species could also be dealing with complete extinction as a consequence of this outbreak. (Although that is uncommon.) If you have got purpose to imagine our fumigation program will outcome within the cessation of your lifeform as a entire, please take the next steps.
1: Collect.
Gather all people you’ll be able to show, credibly, are uninfected.
2: Evacuate.
Leave the planet’s floor instantly.
3: Assemble and stay self-isolated.
Find the closest uninhabited orbital object—a moon, or a close-by asteroid—land and wait. You are actually self-quarantining.
[IMPORTANT: Do not attempt to land on another inhabited planet. Now that the Galactic Corporation of [Untranslatable] has recognized your world for fumigation, all craft originating from your house planet can be handled as hostile.]
4: Notify.
As quickly as you’ve touched down, ship phrase to your native Galactic Corporation company consultant. Tell them what planet you’re from and whether or not you require retrieval. Once the mandated quarantine interval has elapsed, a consultant will arrive to are likely to your additional wants.
Thank you for trusting the Galactic Corporation at [Untranslatable]!
To Whom It May Concern—
If you’re studying this and I haven’t shot you but, it means I’m useless. Assuming the cabin I’ve connected this word to remains to be upright, you’re welcome to what’s inside.
I’m positive you’re pondering that is actual neighborly of me, and also you’re proper, besides that’s how I bought the cabin, and the way the guy earlier than me bought it too. Basically, any individual manner again at first of the contagion (most likely earlier than the contagion) stocked this place with all the pieces wanted to outlive the tip of the world after which the tip of the world got here and he didn’t plan close to in addition to he thought he had, seeing as how he’s useless now.
Anyhoo, it’s a reasonably candy little place.
Probably. I imply, I could also be useless inside, or alive however so pleased I need to chew your face off. If I’m useless, bury me or no matter and I hope I didn’t stink it up an excessive amount of. If I attempt to chew you, I apologize for that however you know the way it’s with these Pantaloonies.
Here’s some issues I labored out about your new house.
First off, there’s a bomb shelter below the cabin ground. I wouldn’t’ve discovered it if the final man hadn’t tipped me off, so now I’m doing the identical. You gotta roll up the rug. The deal with’s below the free floorboard with the splintered finish. Give it a very good tug and there you go.
It’s a good shelter, not that I’ve any to check it to. Damn disgrace the tip of the world didn’t contain bombs—not together with when the federal government nuked New Mexico which, I imply, didn’t even work. It’s cement-lined, bought its personal turbines, and that’s the place all of the meals is.
Second, there’s no goddamn can opener.
I don’t know what occurred to it; possibly the primary man had one in every of them particular pocket knives with an opener on it or one thing, however I’ve gone by way of this complete home top-to-bottom and it’s simply not right here. The man earlier than me used a looking knife to pop the cans, so I did that too. It’s laborious work, and I almost misplaced a finger one time, however until you’ve bought an opener of your individual it’s most likely one of the best you’re gonna do.
Third, there’s a lot of ammo, however not a single word about what goes the place. Hopefully, you already know from weapons, however other than the rifle I used to be planning to shoot you with I by no means labored out a lot. (I’ll inform you one factor: smaller gun does NOT equal smaller bullets.) I’d have most likely gotten additional alongside, however I used to be afraid of utilizing the weapons too typically. I didn’t need to name consideration to myself.
Fourth, there’s some sort of coordinated gang of Pantaloonies roaming the countryside. Not positive why, as a result of there’s not lots to see out right here apart from the observatory on the hill. (Which is locked, by the way. I feel there’s folks holed up in it, however I headed there earlier than discovering this cabin and I can inform you that in the event that they’re alive, they aren’t open to guests.) If you’re going to spend so much of trip of the shelter, I’d suggest determining the timing of that pack first; they’re fairly common.
Fifth, you’re not gonna be capable of spend all your time within the shelter, as a lot as that looks like a good suggestion. I feel the designer tousled with the filtration system. Either that or one thing died in it. So until you’ve bought an HVAC diploma and might repair it your self, I’d average my time down there if I used to be you. (Then once more, I didn’t make it, so what do I do know?)
Finally, and this isn’t actually associated to the cabin, I’ve been seeing some fairly bizarre lights within the sky round right here. Like, “alien spaceship” bizarre. They’re most likely right here for the observatory too. I wasn’t courageous sufficient to ship a flare (the flare gun’s within the shelter subsequent to the peaches) on the possibility they’re on some sort of rescue mission or no matter, however possibly you’ll be braver’n I used to be.
Oh, and the wooden range works, however you’ll most likely want wooden for it, relying on once I died. There’s an axe close to the door.
Best of luck to you!
[This missive translated from [Untranslatable] to English.
When solely one of the best [Untranslatable] will do, select [Untranslatable] for all of your galactic translations!]
APOLOGIES FOR OUR ERROR
People of Earth:
We on the Galactic Corporation at [Untranslatable] want to apologize for our current NOTICE OF IMPENDING FUMIGATION. Receipt of this message undoubtedly brought about a panic.
It was despatched in error.
Due to a clerical misclassification, your planet was categorized as Advanced. This was based mostly on a survey of your unpopulated orbital satellites, frequent concentrated radiographic bursts directed away from the planet, and hint proof of habitation in your close by moon.
Now that we have now acquired your quite a few frantic (and profane) responses to our preliminary notification, it has come to our consideration that you’re not Advanced, and at the moment lack the expertise to self-sustain off-planet for lengthy intervals.
The right classification in your species is Intermediate. Had we identified this, we might have despatched no notification in any respect.
We apologize for the confusion.
Thank you for trusting the Galactic Corporation at [Untranslatable]!
[This missive translated from [Untranslatable] to English.
When solely one of the best [Untranslatable] will do, select [Untranslatable] for all of your galactic translations!]
WE WILL OF COURSE HELP IN ANY WAY WE CAN!
People of Earth:
We apologize for the final two messages—NOTICE OF IMPENDING FUMIGATION and APOLOGIES FOR OUR ERROR.
Please enable us to clarify.
Galactic Corporation’s company coverage dictates that we solely notify species categorized as Advanced or larger of impending fumigation. Galactic Corporation’s company coverage additionally dictates that we make no contact with species categorized as lower than Advanced below any circumstances. Finally, it’s—as beforehand said—Galactic Corporation’s company coverage that on no account are we to instantly work together with a planet with an [Untranslatable] Flu outbreak.
The previously-outlined lodging within the occasion our fumigation was to trigger the overall extinction of a sentient species has been our solely different help plan. However, we now acknowledge that continuing with the fumigation as deliberate—and as coverage dictates—creates important reputational legal responsibility for the Galactic Corporation at [Untranslatable].
We have heard your complaints! And we’re listening! (Indeed, it seems each remaining uninfected individual on Earth has a radio transmitter and a colourful vocabulary. There is lots to hearken to!) Your spirited curiosity in remaining alive has captured the eye of our authorized and public relations departments particularly, in addition to the eye of the Office of Endangered Sentient Species on [Untranslatable] Six.
Very shortly, we can be dispatching 5 ships to Earth upfront of the fumigation, to the areas disclosed following this message. These areas have been chosen as a result of they look like empty of any humanoid lifeforms, which is the one manner we are able to (hopefully) keep away from anybody carrying the [Untranslatable] Flu.
All uninfected members of your species who could make it to one of many 5 areas on the specified time can be faraway from the planet, quarantined remotely after which [Untranslatable] for long-term care.
We hope this answer is passable, and that you’re inspired to cease utilizing your radiographic units.
Thank you for trusting the Galactic Corporation at [Untranslatable]!
WE’RE SORRY WE MISSED YOU
From: The final of the human race
To: Everyone else
Hello!
We’re sending this from aboard the final spaceship leaving Earth!
We’d wish to say we hope this finds you nicely, but it surely most likely doesn’t.
We’re sorry about this, however we tried to persuade the aliens to make one other journey, and we don’t suppose we bought by way of. Their translation program isn’t all that scorching and so they’re not one hundred percent positive which species they’re even speculated to be speaking to. I imply, they allow us to carry our canine (canine made it!) however then they spent our first three hours of the journey making an attempt to speak to them as an alternative of us. This was an actual downside when it turned out they didn’t know we would have liked to breathe oxygen.
If we’re being trustworthy, this entire rescue factor has been a fiasco from finish to finish. The aliens—they name themselves one thing that appears like gargling, so we’ve been calling them the Gargles—appear fairly superior, however not super-well-organized.
Just have a look at the place they landed their ships. All of us right here bought on on the one which landed in Northern Canada, and we’re fairly positive at the very least two or three folks made it to the Sahara location, however that’s about it. I imply, clearly, proper? One landed on prime of Mount Everest, one other on the backside of the Atlantic (they actually didn’t know what sort of species they have been selecting up,) and the fifth one in New Mexico, which remains to be super-radioactive.
They actually regarded stunned anybody confirmed up in any respect on the Canadian location. That is, if we’re deciphering their facial expressions precisely. (Provided we’re even their faces; there are three anatomical prospects.) The extra cynical amongst us suppose the Gargles weren’t actually making an attempt to rescue anybody in any respect, and so they simply guessed incorrect about Canada.
Anyhow, we’re right here now and like I mentioned, we’re being advised they will’t return to rescue anybody else, and we’re actually sorry about that. I suppose the fumigation is inconceivable to reschedule, and they’re actually frightened about this viral no matter, which is truthful. Assuming you’re listening to this stay, they need to be arriving to sterilize the entire planet in twenty-four hours.
So I suppose that is it.
We needed you to know that a few of us made it. The human race will survive. Yes, all we have now are Canadians—and whoever the Gargles scooped up in northern Africa (assuming they retrieved people and never a bunch of camels)—however we’re right here, and we’re okay.
We don’t know the place they’re taking us, however they appear all proper. I imply, we’re not precisely able to do a lot in the event that they resolve we glance scrumptious or no matter, however up to now so good!
And hey, it sounds just like the planet can be liveable once more in about twenty-thousand years, in order that’s one thing to stay up for, proper? Something for our descendants to inherit, if they need it. Also, the fumigation gained’t destroy issues, so if you wish to write again, go forward. Nobody will be capable of learn it for a actually very long time, however, I imply, it’s one thing to do!
Anyway, we’re all actually sorry about how this labored out for the remainder of you.
All one of the best!
Sincerely,
The final of the human race
About the Author
Gene Doucette is the creator of over 20 sci-fi/fantasy titles, together with The Spaceship Next Door and The Frequency of Aliens, the Immortal sequence, the Tandemstar books, and The Apocalypse Seven. Gene lives in Cambridge MA.
Please go to LIGHTSPEED MAGAZINEto learn extra nice science fiction and fantasy. This story first appeared within the May 2021 situation, which additionally options work by Endria Isa Richardson, a two-part novelette by P H Lee (that includes poetry by Rachel Swirsky), Rich Larson, E. Catherine Tobler, Coral Alejandra Moore, Yang-Yang Wang, and extra. You can look ahead to this month’s contents to be serialized on-line, or you should buy the entire situation proper now in handy book format for simply $3.99, or subscribe to the book version through the hyperlink beneath.
TK
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